Monday, February 27, 2006

Public Service Announcements

Attention liberal arts students: When you speak in class it is your responsibility not to tell us that something is interesting (as in, "what's interesting is that he says...") but why it is interesting (as in, "it's interesting that he says... because..."). If you can do nothing more than read us a passage from the reading that we all did (or, in my case, didn't do), and tell us that your reaction was, "just, like, wow" then don't fucking speak up.

Attention people walking in New York: This is New York City, chances are pretty damn good that someone is walking faster than you, even if you consider yourself to be setting a pretty brisk pace, and especially if you're walking down the street as though weighed down by the bulk of your uggly boots. As such, you need to allow people to pass your slow ass. That entails walking on one side (preferably, and, in the U.S. at least, logically, the right side) so that others may pass on the left. This means, not walking down the center of the sidewalk - especially if there is scaffolding, trash piles or stoops. It also means not weaving (you're sober for chrissakes) aimlessly from one side to the other.

(This "Public Service Announcements" bit may become a regular installation, and we may start taking reader-suggestions for PSA. Thoughts?)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Me, For Sure.

Who thinks that smoking pot in any area where I can smell it is pretty mean. It's like being the sexy but unavailable girl in class. Or the lesbian. Or working in a pastry shop and baking in the same building as me, coming home smelling like chocolate and not offering me free samples.

Also, who is for friends not becoming emotional and nostalgic when they get drunk?

Though big shout out to P. of P.Diddy (roomie 1 of the two roommates, collectively referred to from here on out as P.Diddy) for having more patience than I and actually talking to the kid who is basically crying in our kitchen right now.

Also, who has been drinking tonight?

Also (part 27), J, you're hot.

Also, monologuer, you're drunk and probably shouldn't post after imbibing the liquor.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I Think My New Pick-Up Line Will Be, "I'm Better Than This Guy"

Metro's bit on The Cost of Love:

What the jesus!? It's not so much that I expected top-notch journalism from the Metro staff, but I at least expected them to be functioning adults.

I've never read Dorothy Robinson's pieces, but if she is spending $220 on 500 count sheets to "look good" then I feel truly bad for her, her mental capacities and her poor understanding of social interaction. Because let me tell you Dorothy, there are much, much cheaper (not to mention more effective) ways of attracting a mate than sheets. I for one have never seen a woman at a bar and said "I bet she has some damn high thread-count-sheets. I'd love to tap whatever sleeps in those sheets." I have however said, "Damn that's a nice ass in those jeans, I'd love to tap that." Try doing lunges. (That will also help cut down on the amount of money you spend on your "morning workouts" with "Hans the trainer" and if you have to put "workouts" in quotations, you're probably not getting your money worth). And I don't know what kind of industrial-size french perfume you're buying, but you shouldn't be paying $145 for it. I know that mombeeno and the sisters use some pretty fancy stuff, and they don't pay anywhere near that. More importantly, I can't tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner, nor can I tell the difference between the scent of your hair products and the perfume you're wearing, so I certainly don't know that your particular fragrance is worth that much. Unless it actually smells like the Dead Sea, in which case, you might have an answer to your "self-acceptance" problems.

But Dororthy's neuroses are nothing, nothing compared to her penis-endowed (though probably not puberty-veteran) counterpart, Daniel Holloway. I have never seen a picture of this guy. But, according to his monthly expenditures, he is not accomplishing his professed goal to "look good." A "Female Booby Inspector" tshirt? On a grown man? I made fun of kids that wore those in high-school - which, according to his choice of underwear and sheets he may still be in. Let's just be honest. Daniel probably lives in or around Manhattan, and for the most part, men in this area (and I can tell you from experience) just aren't getting any action if their biggest investment is a nose-hair trimmer. I'm not saying you have to be metro or guido and have a standing appointment with Ling for a mani every Thursday, but even the white trash I see from Jersey, Staten Island and back home know better than to use a free sample fragrance. Also, Daniel, why are you wasting your cell phone minutes talking to your mom, when you can just go downstairs and have her tell you what a disappointment you are in person? Probably while she's making you a breakfast of Trix and doing your laundry (of tighty whiteys). And Green Appletinis? No wonder you're not getting laid.

And if either of these two is getting laid, please, don't tell me. I don't need to feel any worse about myself. I certainly don't need to know that these two idiots are interacting successfully with people of the opposite (or same) sex.

And if all of their "monthly expenditures" (how convenient that both of them bought new sheets this month!) have been crafted and exaggerated by Metro for the purpose of the story? Well then they also lack journalistic integrity and that makes the whole thing even more crap.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Bestiality Is The New Kiddie Porn

I love dogs. And living in the city, I don't get to interact with them as often as I do at home - I am basically restricted to baby-talking them and making kissy-faces on the sidewalk while their owners stare horrified and quickly cross the street. Dogs always put me in a good mood. Especially here, where many dogs have more personality than most of grouchy people I pass on the street.

As such, I always make a point to walk past the lovely - and generally urine-smell-free - dog park at Tompkins Square Park. Every morning I trudge along until I get there and then I smile and chuckle to myself as I pass the park. Then I grin dumbly to myself until I get to about Second Ave - whereupon I start shooting hate vibes and raging at people who take up the whole sidewalk. Without dogs.

I walk by the park leering at the dogs, getting excited when they play with each other and smiling when New Yorkers reprimand them ineffectively. The other day I realized that, perhaps, I look a bit disturbed when I walk by - possibly to the point of causing alarm for the dog-owners. Much like a pedophile at a playground would cause alarm in parents. I am starting to get a teen-bit worried that the dog park is more than just a pick me up - it's becoming a habit, an addiction, a deep dark secret. Much like kiddie porn for people in North Dakota.

I'm scared that, soon, dog owners will start carrying mace and chasing me away from the dog park threatening to turn me in to the authorities. Then I'm going to turn to sneaking around in the bushes until some burly cop grabs me by the scruff of my neck, calls me a sicko and tells me he's going to send me to a place where people like me get eaten for breakfast.

And when I get out, I'm going to have to register with the county wherever I live and go door to door anouncing to people that dogs excite me and that they probably shouldn't leave me alone near Fido.

Is there a support group for this?

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Spank You Very Much

I just spent about the best night I've had since I've been back at school with some of my closest friends...

3 vodka and ginger ales.
3 cookie dough balls covered in chocolate from ben & jerry's.
Mom's homemade dutch chocolate cookies.
A little bonding time with a roomie.
A pleasant visit from our resident mouse - cute little somonabitch, though if he could not sneak up on me when I'm watching tv, that would be great.
The entire first season of Grey's Anatomy. (Best show ever? Quite possibly.)

You know what someone could do that would be the absolute best present ever? Give me a cd (though, probably cds) with all of the songs from Grey's soundtrack - alla Kamsquad's dear friends who did it for her and Alias. So, y'all can hop on that any time.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy V-Day.


Vadge Day.
Venereal Disease Day.
Vodka Day.
Valium Day.
Vagina Day.
Vicodin Day.
Van Morrison Day.
Voyeur Day.
Vendetta Day.
Virgin Day.
Vanessa Williams Day.
Vegas Day.
Happy Vermivorous Day. (via kami)
Happy Via Day?

Got more? Leave 'em in comments.

Some of you may be paired off happily, but I saw Norah Jones today (I think)... so, pretty much, I win valentine's day. Suck it.

Thanks for the comment-love ladies, means a lot to me. (I'll post some witty, sarcastic and unapreciative retort soon, I'm sure).

I Can't Decide If I'm Hungry Or Bored.

I think that pretty much sums up my night.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Dear Reader,

Next to my friends and family - which I realize most of you are - you are pretty much the closest thing I have to a serious relationship right now.

As such, I feel like, in this relationship, I give and I give and I give. I pour my heart out (even if it is cold and blackened). And what do I get in return?


Relationships shouldn't be this one-sided, just ask Ms. Spears.

Hop on those comments folks. Not only does it make our relationship a bit more equal, it gives me some material to work with. Otherwise, this is like doing audience-participation improve with a group of deaf mutes. And I think we all remember how poorly that went.

(Read: Post some goddamn comments so that I feel like someone out there is reading before I spiral off into truly self-indulgent, I-hate-journal-writing, I'm-saving-money-by-not-going-to-therapy navel gazing).

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Light Bulb

Last week I was really late for one of my classes, and I was really confused because I thought I was right on time.

This week, I discovered the reason I was late. Class starts at 4:30pm. Not 4:45pm.

As daddio would say: Dipshit.

No Fucking Duh.

Did y'all see this? Some Democrats Are Sensing Missed Opportunities

Democrats prove, once again, to be a little slow on the uptake. Also, another fine example of why moving to the middle doesn't do you any good, especially against a raging extreme conservative. And, refusing to take a stand or to unify or organize and develop a coherent message on any kind of policy, doesn't help the party. Nor does lack of any leadership. Nor does trying "to move more forcefully to stake out the center on social and national security issues" - are you kidding me? "forcefully stake out the center"? That's like a team trying to "forcefully stake out a tie." Or a guy "forcefully staking out a trip to second base." Dolts.

Words. Can't. Even. Express.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

"You Know What, I Do Want To Express Myself, Okay. And I Don't Need 37 Pieces Of Flair To Do It."

My professor today - in a class about slavery - was talking about his grading policies on papers. He was explaining that, when students come to him and ask him why their paper wasn't an A he says: "It's not an A because it doesn't have flair."

What the hell is this - TGIFridays? Does the staple count as a piece of flair? What if I do a fancy font for the title? Colored ink? How many "world peace" and "racism is a social disease" pins do I need to include on my paper before it's an A? Can I include them in a baggie, or a gift box, or do they have to be physically pinned to the paper? What about if I bound it with ribbons instead of a staple?

What's the minimum pieces of flair I need on my paper to get an A? Is it 37?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Tyra Banks: Investagative Journalist Extrordinaire

Breaking news y'all!!! I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's this store called Costco and it sells a lot of stuff for, like, really cheap!!! Thanks for the tip Tyra!!! You can get Paper, Crayon & Denim jeans for under $100!!! Also, you can buy entire pies!!! And you can ride the cart!!!

This was all part of "self-proclaimed Queen of Cheap" Tyra's groundbreaking expose on saving money - but still looking good. Up next week: TJMaxx.

The really hilarious part of this show was not watching Tyra make funny faces when she got her ID photo taken; it was watching her audience of suburban house-wives and soccer-moms applause like they didn't already have the Costco Gold Card in their knock-off wallet and cheer as though this was some new kind of genius that would cook dinner, do the dishes, drive their kids to practice, keep their teens away from drugs, record Desperate Housewives, blow their husbands and send out Christmas cards, all for only $99.99.

Doesn't the entire rest of America know about this? The first bit of Calvin Klein I owned was a package of his undershirts from Costco - at that time, called PriceClub. If Tyra really was the "Queen of Cheap" wouldn't she already have a Costco membership? And Tyra, if you really do want to be the next big thing in talk shows - take a hint from Oprah, you don't see her covering the new phenomenon that is Wal-Mart.

FYI: If you're looking for jeans for under $100!!!, try the Gap.

Cookie Dough Is The New Cocaine

Next time I sit down in front of the television with a pack of cookie dough and lie to both of us, saying, "I'm only gonna have a bite or two,"* you might want to stage that intervention.

I ate the whole thing, shhhh.

*In the spirit of full disclosure: you weren't there: I was only lying to myself. And, it was not a family size cookie dough, it's only recreational - it's not a habit or (god forbid) an addiction.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Read: The Liberals Were Right

I didn't get a chance to watch Bush's State of the Union address last night, due mostly to the fact that I'm a tard. But also due to the fact that I was actually doing work that is now very, very necessary - as in, due tomorrow morning. However, I did catch this little gem of a headline from the NYTimes: "Bush, Resetting Agenda, Says U.S. Must Cut Reliance On Foreign Oil."

I haven't yet read the article, nor have I read the speech itself, but according to Mia, the speech was full of the same old generalities ("we need to fight to protect liberty and freedom..."), and one pretty decent joke about a personal crisis. However, I have a strong suspicion that he did not say, "turns out, I was wrong, my critics - who at that time I, and half of the rest of the country, wrote off disdainfully as mindless, bleeding-heart liberals - were right. Apparently, we are too dependent on foreign oil and should be focusing on developing alternative energy sources and conservation, instead of killing (damn, I mean liberating) thousands of people to secure our own constant supply of black gold. Or, at the very least, pursuing a foreign policy that didn't alienate all of the other oil-producing nations of the world."

Did he still blame 9/11/2001 for all the problems of 2005? I mean, afterall, if it weren't for 9/11, we would have no problem with gay marriage, senior citizens being able to afford their medication, green energy alternatives and citizens - free of wire taps - holding on to their civil liberties. Next time, maybe Bush will at least listen to and consider alternative points of view, as he has just proven, we often have valid points. Can't wait for the State of the Union next year, in which trend-setter-Bush divulges that, in a resetting of the agenda, Americans are entitled to both free speech and privacy. He's way ahead of the curve.